"They Walk..."
Out the front doors of the raddison
On prueview haggardly
past the cookie cutter coffee spot
She ahead
He staring
at her spine
Quickly behind him
all around
They cross the street
Heads down
Fake frowns shirts
rumpled
Choices made
Beds remade
Staying ten feet apart
Into the first and third yellow
cab
That was a pleasure to read, very promising piece of writing. I liked the pacing and styling, quick and to the point. It seemed to start slow, with the first two lines, but then... "cookie cutter cofee spot" appears, fantastic, rolls right of the tongue, definitely a keeper.
ReplyDeleteThe "She ahead / He staring" was the only part that really upset my eyes as I was scanning through--the lack of a verb interrupted me. I'd personally add the 's to the two lines, since it won't slow anything down... Although if you're intentionally going for a "punctiation free" piece, I guess that's not an option due to the apostrophe, and "she is ahead / he is staring" /would/ slow down the reading.
At the end, it seems to slow back down, as to give closure, with "Staying ten feet apart / Into the first and third yellow"... But then, the last line is "cab". That kind of jarrs me, as it feels like the piece is winding down, yet there's a one syllable word as the lone last line. Not necessarily bad, either, just odd.
The title doesn't feel like it adds much to the piece, but that's just a bit of an offhand comment, last-minute, nothing much important. I like the piece overall, good job.