Tell: Jenna’s boyfriend left her and broke her heart.
Show: As James walked away briskly, hoping that Maddie wouldn’t run after him, and cling to the one-sleeved coat she bought him last Christmas from the Goodwill down the street, like the Samaritan woman. He heard her sob crescendo evolving - the farther he walked, the louder her wailing became.
Tell: I am envious of my sister.
Show: She thinks she is the best, walking with her nose to the ceiling like a peacock; like she’s counting the popcorns on the ceiling. One day, those beautiful feathers will fall off. I’ll pluck them off, with a bowl of hot water at my side.
Tell: The girl was bored.
Show: She sulked deeply as she stared passed the ugly curtains, out the window, eyelids lowered. She prayed to the cut-down oak tree that its branches would save her. Then she heard a voice, Mr. Jones’ croaky bass, approaching her, saying, screaming, screeching, “Ms. Bennett, wake up and wipe your slobber off my desk this instant!”
I think this is great, Osa. This passage definitely shows sadness but more than that there is also a desperateness to her actions, which is gorgeous.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I think there are a few things you could tweak that could push this a little further. I love that you compare this girl’s clinging to her boyfriend's coat with the woman at the well, but the comparison you make is too far away from what is being compared that the reader has to struggle a bit to figure it out. I know it took me a second, but may be that is just me! If I were to rewrite this sentence to make it more clear I would do something like this: “As James walked away briskly, hoping that Jenna wouldn’t run after him and cling, like the Samaritan woman, to the one-sleeved coat she bought him last Christmas.”
The comma didn’t need to be there before the clinging bit because it was one continuous thought and that comma made me pause when I didn’t think I should.
Also I think you could take the Goodwill bit from the story. I think it adds a bit too much unneeded detail into the sentence.