This is a response to Brittany's improvisation of “A Martian Sends A Postcard
Home”, which can be found here.
Interesting improvisation.
I particularly like the first few lines: "Those cotton balls that float/Day in and out/They carry many emotions". I think that you can reduce the level of abstraction, that is, introduce more specificity. You can show the variety of emotions that humans oscillate through.
For example: In the morning, the girl's mouth remained crooked upwards, revealing her iron-laced teeth. At school, when other children laughed at the steel molars, her lips reversed their shape. In the evening, she stabbed her eyes with soft white papers.
Secondarily, I think certain point fall into the 'poesy' trap by evoking words such as pillows, puffy, hazy, and warmth. I think you can use, but defamiliarize these words, as you've begun to do elsewhere. Particularly, when you speak of humans "choking the sun" I think you have a great junkyard phrase/concept that can be explored. Is this not how a Martian would describe pollution?
Great entry. Keep it up!
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